Woman's Solstice

I remembered childlike innocence and joy on the beautiful summer solstice eve. I felt the magic in the air. I found myself on an evening walk with 4 generations of beautiful women. The oldest is reeling and healing from a broken heart. She is the reason we are all here. I want to hear her laugh that I have not heard since my grandfather died. The laugh of my childhood, replaced by lines of stress and worry. I want to give her anything, everything, to hear that laugh, to take away her pain. All her men have left her. The story of a woman's life. I give all I can give, my arms wrapped around her small frame in love and thanks, and a hope, that she will learn to laugh that hearty laugh again. That she will realize it came from herself alone all along.

My mother stops to stand in reverence and awe of the huge, sturdy tree with twisted branches. We all stop and can't help doing the same. I am reminded again that she is me, I am her. Her christian heart feeling the tug of the pagan ancients. I don't fight her in me tonight.

Ahead of me walk two young sisters, I can almost see the thread bonding them and I want to tell them to let that thread loosen as it will over the years of growing pains, but not too much...always keep a hand ready to wind it up when needed. I can see their fights and hugs and shared secrets as they walk side by side. My grandmother keeps calling the older one by my name. I know were all seeing my sister and I when we look at them. I'm glad it remains unsaid. My sister walks ahead of me, with the two young girls. I am walking in the middle, bridging the gap.

I don't know if it is because I am with children, or just the magic of fireflies at the approaching twilight, the just over half moon swelling against the clouds but I run for the park we are about to pass, I run up the jungle gym and down the slide. The two young girls follow next, and follow my lead on the slides. My mother and sister each get on a swing and are soon flying ever higher. The almost night becomes filled with 5 female laughs, natural and uncontrollable delight. For a moment, I remember the feeling of pure and simple joy. 5 laughs and one voice of concern, we are flying too high. I hope somewhere in her heart she is remembering being a girl on a swing or a slide and laughing with her daughters. Her voice of concern, her worry is the reason we can all be laughing carefree I remind myself. She is the reason we are here. Is one woman's carefree laugh lost too steep a sacrifice for her daughters and her daughters daughters to be able to laugh carefree? My heart smiles in silent thanks, even as it aches for her.

I leave the middle of our walking path and join my sister and the young sisters. I am still one of them. We walk quickly, trade smiles, comment on the houses and our growing number of mosquito bites. I leave the three of them at the front door of my parents house, the one I can no longer call home and run back down the street to slow down with my mother and grandmother the rest of the way. My mother and I admire the moon. All three of us take time to acknowledge mother's garden on the path to the front door. I resist my resistance to them in me. Recognize their gentleness as beauty and strength and smile.

Everyday tears

I cry everyday tears for my everyday life on this ordinary day
Fuck your castles in the sky
Your dreams are clouds
I walk on the dirty ground
I clean the dirty plates and stained underwear, his and mine
Nobody has heard of me
except the people who matter in my life
I cry everyday tears for something I've said that I didn't mean
to someone I love who is now hurting
not for the life I don't have, the one that isn't to be mine
I am healed when I apologize and they forgive
It wont make a ripple on the ocean of the other coast
and it doesn't matter to anyone but them and me
which is why it matters at all
I cry everyday tears for my everyday life oin this ordinary day
I smile an everyday smile
I love in an ordinary way
Everyday

Hello world

I am looking to let go of the past and live in each moment as it comes. I am sitting and breathing as a practice as often as I can. Turning over a new leaf, so to speak. Change is inevitable, all around us. So why do some things seem to always stay the same? I am working on changing the hardest thing, the mind. Re-wiring connections, reprogramming, shocking myself out of routine and habit. Routine, habit can be a good thing. Shocking myself out of the same old routine and habit into new soul nurturing ones. And sometimes I'm not. And that's ok too.