Unlearning

Unleaning. What my parents taught me, the things that were never said, more powerful than words, their own insecurites absorbed into the skin, the blood, my mind. You can shed skin. Purify blood. And you have the right to change your mind.
How powerful is your mind? Try to change it's attitudes, beliefs, opinions, or at least have it stop and think beofre forming them. Hard? Yes. It's so well trained, well behaved like an obedient child! What would happen if we let it go, let it run free, took it off it's leash? Retrained it to think differently about things, to think diffrent things? The mind, blows my mind. This is possible. Our brains are not all pre-determind patterns of thought, they can be changed! But they are patterned. Change those patterns people! The mind will fight itself, an epic battle. Your will will win. Let go.
Sit quietly and don't think about anything. I dare you to try. Do it as often as you can for as long as you can. Let every thought go. Interrupt those thought patterns telling you you're not good enough to make your dreams come true, that your boyfirend just doesn't understand. Ask yourself why. Then let that go too. Let it all go and sit with yourslef without the action of thought and listen to who you are. Wake up and follow those dreams, communicate with your boyfriend in his language for a moment, see how that feels. Give your heart permission to feel joy. And pain and sorrow, and everything else because these are not going anywhere. But they will not last. You know this. Believe it. This goes for everything! Knowing and believing are two different things, and believing is what becomes liberation.
You have no one to blame. Unlearning what my parents taught me, yes. But besides insecurities and a penchant for self doubt they also taught me how to love, how to give and share, to take care of others, to work hard and be honest, to have respect and integrity. I can't blame them for anything but being themselves and doing the best they could with what they had and where they were in their lives at each moment. It's all we can ever ask of anyone, and all we can ever give anyone and ourselves, and it is perfect because it is enough. I am enough even though I haven;t unlearned, I haven't let go, my mind is still on a short tether. Hey, it's a process. Change. So scary for our minds safe and comfortable in the bed in the corner, the blinds tightly drawn over the window. I'm letting the sunlight in just a crack, a little at a time.

Hey Universe! Are you listening?

Sometimes I can hear myself even with noise all around me. Sometimes I know I'll be just fine, am just fine, even when everything around me is not. Progress in the un-measurable subtleties I call goals. I don't have to do everything, say yes to everything to feel like I'm living a complete, full life. Some days I just want to sit and breathe, be. Let me be. I'm successful and failing at this every day. But the Universe is responding to what I'm putting out there. I can see it. I can feel it. And I'm amazed. Reasons to get out of bed every morning and put myself and my love out into the world. Or just into myself. A reason to not get out of bed in the morning too, to keep my love right there for a little while longer...